Christmas spirit

Christmas spirit is alive here, despite a nasty stomach virus. 

On our tree is the spirit of my "someday".

With everything going on, home for the holidays never sounded so good...

Sigh.

Merry Christmas! I hope this season brings warmth, fun, and peace to you and your families!

 

Love gets you through the fog...

While my little family should be celebrating a new life for us, shuffling around, decorating for the holidays, Christmas shopping and present hunting...I seem to be stuck in this fog that is unrelentingly opaque. I am paralyzed. And I don't know what to do, or where to go, or how to lead myself through this thick air. 

I lost my job last week. 

Nine years. 

Nine years of blood, sweat, mucous, traumas, cardiacs, renal failure, ecmo, dialysis, palliative care. 

Nine years of my dream job. 

Gone. 

In a 25 minute meeting, a handing over of my badge, and a security escort. 

Nine years. 

So. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do now. 

I just can't see beyond today. 

I'm thankful that my little searches through the fog for me every day, finds my hand in the milky grey-ness where her mother is lost, and pulls me out a little each day.  

Tomorrow I will buckle down. Tomorrow I will build a resume, my past 12 years on paper. And get this show started. 

And hopefully the fog will dissipate a bit. 

Sweater-ed

My daisy got sweater-ed. I know I'm not one of those people that puts clothes on their dogs, but her little body shivers in the cold!

We're ready for winter and all of the magic it brings.

:)

Welcome home, Daisy Mae!

Halloween

Bike ride

Nature walks are good for all of us. :)

My baby's first day

My little bad her first day of preschool yesterday. We spent the day before loving our free time, fluttering about and buying her first day outfit, licking some ice cream, and getting our nails done. 

I'd like to make this a ritual of sorts- of always spending the last day before school starts together. I think it's lovely and soul settling. 

At drop off the next morning she was perfect. A little clingy, a lot excited, and perfectly sweet. 

Seeing Bella and Lily certainly calmed her nerves, but I still picked up my sweet girl when she asked to be held while waiting in line for the school doors to open. 

She's still my baby after all. 

After school we scooted to lunch and talked about her day, which surprisingly she was reluctant to discuss. 

I had flashes of when she's 13 and reluctant to do the same. 

She's still my baby. No matter how big she gets. 

Le sigh. 

My heart is so full!

“My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me.”

 —  Imam ash-Shafi`i (via theriverj

Thirst

I've been stuck in my patient's room all night. 

He's only a wee one, 2 years younger than my sweet girl. He is just as lovely. My little yellow towhead has large brown eyes that stare back at me. I pull up my chair and hold his hand for the worst part of his dialysis. I sing to him for his daddy, who cooed to him earlier in the evening, the sweetest lullabies. I kiss his warm hand for his mama who is asleep down the hall. Tuck him in tight and I rub his head and watch his lashes flutter closed. 

Three hours in one room can leave a mouth parched. 

So I vacate my station and head down the hall for a drink, and realize it's the first time I've emerged.  

There's a post op bleeding out. Her arterial wave goes flat as I walk by. A nurse voice raises. 

Water will wait. 

Thirty minutes and two units of red cells and some saline later, I hang a left and take two steps in my quest for a moist tongue. 

There's a new trauma two doors down and all my friends are at the party.  Blood dripping. Rushed and hurried voices. I hear the surgeon call for more blood. The family of the boy comes in. Eyes to the floor. There's a scrambling of finding enough chairs for cousins, friends, uncles. 

The wailing starts. Grandma went down. Water will wait. 

My pocket alarm sounds. 

Time to change my dialysis, I head down the hall back to my sweet babe. A mother's cries echo. 

My lips crack. 

Water. 

Two hours later and I'm sure my blood pressure is zero. 

Water, now. Water. 

My door creaks and my towhead cries for me to stay. Just one minute, sweet boy. 

Across the hall the neurosurgeon breaks bad news. These cries hang heavy in the air and needle my core. The halls vibrate sorrow. Wailing. Deep guttural wailing. My stomach flips, I try to swallow but my throat is sandpaper and my eyes are sticky. Water. 

It's 4am. Where did the night go? No time for pottying. There's an abandoned takeout menu and cash on the desk, well past closing time. No time for dinner anyway. 

Ventilators alarm. Patients need saving. Medications are late. Diapers need to be changed. Patients are dying. 

Water will wait. 

"Play date"

We sure do love this sweet boy...

I find myself missing him during the week. :)

He is starting to have longer wakeful periods...

Smooches...

Girl gets sleepy...

Snugglin...

She loves being a big cousin!

Heaven

To market, to market

We went to the little organic farm stand and snagged some yummy produce for the week...

Tomatoes of all colors....

A bunch of whimsical radishes...

Girl got sassy....

She pays for her own ear of corn for the first time. 

Our loot. ;)

Have a delicious little week!

There's a new boy in my life...

...and he. Is. Delicioso. 

Dark skin....

Dark hair....

Crooked little smile....

I can't wait to snuggle him some more!

Avonlea's in love too...

Paws off...this guy is mine!

Aw shucks!

What a sweet, sweet boy. 

Sweet Lukas, Auntie and your cousin love you!

<3

Happy vacation!

“When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”

Randy Pausch

“If something burns your soul with purpose and desire, it’s your duty to be reduced to ashes by it. Any other form of existence will be yet another dull book in the library of life.”

 —  Charles Bukowski  (viakissedandbruised)

Living.

"An amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and start doing what you love, what makes you happy. Your life literally slows down. You stop wishing for the weekend. You stop merely looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and you start feeling like a human being. You just ride the wave that is life, with this feeling of contentment and joy. You move fluidly, steadily, calm and grateful. A veil is lifted, and a whole new perspective is born.”

Paralysis

Will I continue to make the same mistakes in this life? 

When will I get this right?

“It is true that I create over and over again the same difficulties for myself in order to struggle over and over again to master them but to continually struggle against the same problem and to continually fail to dominate it brings a feeling of frustration and a kind of paralysis. What is necessary to life, to livingness, is to move on, in other words to move from one kind of problem to another.”

 —  Anaïs Nin, A Literate Passion: Letters of Anais Nin & Henry Miller, 1932-1953 (via larmoyante)

A love worth having

“I’m not saying that at some point love isn’t staying up until 2am phone calls or stealing kisses when you least expect it, or instantly falling for each other’s favorite songs because it is, or at least that’s what the lead up to it feels like, but real love, is so much more. It’s going out at 12am to get something to eat for your wife who can’t get out of bed, it’s listening to them as they explode with vulnerability on your living room couch talking about how they were only so young when their parents passed on. it’s remembering how someone likes their coffee in the morning without asking—without ever asking, it’s visiting someone in the hospital knowing the last thing you want to do is see them in that condition, it’s wanting to be with that person despite everything, the future, the past, and everything in between, it’s the intimate things that you don’t even realize involve such intimacy, but they do, in secret, like the pinky promises you two made behind your back, to love one another for always, in the time you thought you were in love, when you were actually just on your way to it.”

This is true love. 

This is honest love. 

This is worth having. 

Dirty hippies

Family time

Some much needed impromptu family time was underway this weekend for our 4th of July party involving cousins, cousins, and more cousins!   It was a breath of fresh air, a warm and muggy day, and you can't get better than fireworks and s'mores to end the night right...

<3