Sigh

Settle

There is nothing more soul settling than hearing her gentle footsteps through the fog of sleep and feeling her settle her soft, sleepy baby bones into the crook of my neck.
The weight of her on my chest.
And when I'm really lucky, her sweet, baby soft hand stroking my arm or holding my hand as she settles back into sleep.
And hearing her breathing slow and deepen.
Nope.
There is nothing better than that.
<3 br="">

Above the Waves

Today is a new month. I had great hopes for January. But the tragically devastating loss of a dear friend on New Year's Day has sent my little family reeling and spinning off its stable axis.

Today is a new month, but the loss is still so great. So many unanswered questions makes it hard to overcome. We feel not only her loss daily, but also her presence, the two playing tug-of-war in our hearts. The weight is still so heavy to bear.

There are nightmares.
There are tears once the sun sinks low, and the little is asleep.
There is anger and confusion and anxiety.
There is the weight.  The weight is. so. much.

I am white-knuckling the rope to my anchor-sister so she doesn't slip beneath the waves. There will be no drowning. There will be no more drowning.

I haven't forgotten the good that January has brought: the fresh starts, the new plans, the love. It is the sunshine to focus on when the days are clouded.

I will keep our heads above the water. And this grief will subside like the tide. We will roll with it.

February is a new month, and there are calmer seas ahead.

mv3

Avonlea's first ice cream cone at Mad Martha's...where she devoured the entire thing...even the soggy cone. That's my girl!

Our first beach day at Menemsha....

11 Month Newsletter

Avonlea,

You are 11 months old. Holy cow! I can't believe that in 4 short weeks, you will be a year! Where did this year go?? We were so wrapped up in you that we hardly even noticed the changing of the seasons, the increase in grey hairs, and the newly emerging fine lines around our sleep deprived eyes.

You have had another growth spurt since our last newsletter, suddenly out growing all of your 9 month clothes and fitting perfectly into 12 months clothing. As we speak, we have just returned from a shopping spree at our favorite baby consignment shop in town, grabbing tons of great summer finds for you for our trip to Martha's Vineyard. Daddy can't wait to show you around his favorite little island, and I can't wait to go there for the first time with you, my love!

A month ago, we started taking Saturday morning swim lessons at our local pool. You weren't as interested in the "swim" part of swim class as you were in the "class" part. You waved and dove at the other babies, smiling and saying "heeeey!" while waving your arms furiously. Eventually, we got you to focus on the task at hand...and now you LOVE to swim, and will even put your face in the water to blow bubbles. We have one week left of this swim class series, and then we plan on definitely signing up and continuing this great class. We have made some good friends here, and have fun every saturday! We know that you will love the water when we head to the vineyard, and if you are anything like your mommy and daddy when we were kids, we will have to beg and plead to get you out of the water!

You started this month cautiously standing at furniture and letting go, crashing to the floor only to giggle and get back up again. And now, as I write this, you walk all over the house. The transformation from "crawler" to "walker" has been amazingly adorable. And tonight, at Grandma's house, as she stomped behind threatening to "get you", I do believe I saw you begin to RUN to get away! You now prefer walking to crawling, and I imagine it is because crawling just takes far too long now!

When last we left, you were giving us a run for our money in the sleep department. And With great persistence, great love, and of course, the Sleep Lady Shuffle, you now go to sleep all on your own, easily, and without tears. You surprised the both of us with how easily you taught yourself, and made us realize that it wasn't really YOUR fault to begin with. We taught you to need our help to go to sleep, and we had to teach you to learn to fall asleep on your own. If I only had a dollar for every time we have said "well...now we know for next time!".

(don't get too excited....."next" time is years away....) :)

February was a very challenging month for our little family, and with great sadness, we have all gained another guardian angel. You did not know your Daddy's Nana, but we have learned of her great love for all of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, and her incredible culinary skills. Although it seems that we have been surrounded by loss in this past year, you have shown us that when we fall, we get back up. I know that our angels, our Nana, our Babci, our Marge, are there holding your hand as you take your first steps, and I know that you are surrounded in their love.

Earlier in the month, we went to your friend Sara's first birthday party, where you got to eat your first cupcake. I love seeing you with other babies, especially Kylie, Cailin, and Sara...it is amazing to me how different you are with each of them....which personality traits emerge depending on who you are spending time with. I love how you buzz around, and barely have time to stop and give your momma a kiss, because you are far too busy playing with your friends. I love that when you see them, you toddle over to them and give them big sloppy kisses. I am excited to say that in september, you will have a new little friend, and we can hardly wait to meet them...until then, I know that you will share your guardian angels....not that we could keep them away! Congrats, D&D!

This week begins the furious party planning for your first birthday....and like your amazing personality, it will be fun, bright, and full of smiles, cuddles and sloppy wet kisses.

So, let the party planning begin!

We love you, muffin!

10 month Newsletter

Dear Avonlea,

You are 10 months old. At your last visit, you were 26.75 inches long and 17.9 pounds. The doctor was impressed with your attentiveness, verbal skills, and mobility. You are solidly in your 9 month clothing, but we have broken out some of the 9-12 month clothing and 12 month clothes to break up the monotony of your drawers. Your auntie says you have gotten chubby, and I have to agree. You also have amazingly delicious ham hocks for thighs and I love how you giggle when I munch on you. :)

You crawl with a fever now, scooting around everywhere. You also stand and cruise around, and in the beginning of the month starting letting go of the furniture and crashing down on your bottom and giggling. I giggle when you get back up just to crash back down and laugh. :)

Towards the end of this month, on a few separate occasions, you took a step. And then two. And then you crash into me or daddy, or the floor, and giggle like a maniac. I can SEE how badly you want to walk, and I know it's coming so fast! Soon you will be buzzing around this house and we will be regretting that we ever encouraged you to walk to begin with!

One morning while getting us ready to leave the house, I put you down in the kitchen and not even a minute later heard you whimpering. I made a few passes through the living room and dining room and when I couldn't find you, I stopped in the hallway. I heard you whimper again...and then I saw you... three stairs from the top of the staircase, and turning around to look at me! My heart stopped! You were whimpering because you didn't know how to get down. So, you also learned how to climb the stairs this month! And we also learned to put up a baby gate!

Your taste in food has gotten much better, you basically eat what we eat now. And if we even try to give you something different, you just whine until we give you some of what we are eating. Which is fine with us, because it's one less meal to make. You even eat salmon- I can't believe MY daughter eats salmon! Insane!

You had been doing well with sleeping through the night, but this month have made a mockery of us, taking over an hour to go to sleep and then waking 4-5 times per night. None of us are getting any sleep, and we are all cranky and overtired. By the time this blog posts, we will have already started some "sleep training" from The Sleep Lady, called The Sleep Lady Shuffle. We hope that soon we will all be able to sleep a little easier.

You also had your first sleepover this month with Grandma and Grandpa, leaving us alone in our house for the first time since you were born! It was glorious, and we got to go out to a play, and dinner, and not have to worry about rushing home to you. You had a great time and we are excited to keep this trend going! :)

Your verbal skills have remained the same, and while you haven't learned any new words, you make sounds that sound like our words constantly, leaving us to say "did she just say ___? or did it just SOUND like it??"

Soon, we need to start planning your first birthday party- I can't believe it's almost been a year....WHERE DID THIS YEAR GO??? That statement has a whole new meaning once you have a child.

We have lots of pictures to post in addition to this newsletter. Stay tuned!!

We love you monkey girl!

ALTE anyone?

So, our "Meet Avonlea" picnic was cancelled last saturday, not due to rain as I had predicted the reason to be, but rather because Avonlea got admitted to the hospital friday night. :(

To make a long story short, she had an ALTE, aka an Acute Life Threatening Event on Friday afternoon while I was visiting with my friend Amy and the girls. She went grey, limp, and lethargic, and was breathing "funny". The event lasted about 40 minutes, and after a call and visit to the pediatrician shortly after, we went to the hospital for bloodwork and wound up being admitted so that she could be on a monitor overnight. It was scary and awful, and I don't even like to think about it. While we were in the hospital, everything was fine, and after numerous tests, bloodwork and assessments, she was given the clean bill of health with a great diagnoses of "we don't know why she did that- but keep a close eye on her". So, Justin and I have been doing just that, trying to take it easy and relax, and just take care of our sweet girl.

In related news, since we have been discharged from the hospital, she has started to have some reflux (aka heartburn) and I wouldnt be surprised if this was the cause of her ALTE. But nevertheless, we have been in close contact with our pediatrician and are working on stopping the reflux so she doesn't do that again. :(

We have had a rough time readjusting after that night in the hospital, mainly because we are constantly scared that she is going to have another event, and in turn have bought an Angelcare monitor that will basically alarm if she stops breathing/moving in her sleep. This has helped us to sleep knowing that she is ok. To make matters worse, Avonlea's sleep schedule got turned upside down, and we are trying desperately to get that under control before I go back to work on Wednesday. :(

Anyhooo, so that is our little update. Not a good one, but one nonetheless.
We are very thankful for everyone's support in this scary time, especially to our parents, my sister, and of course Amy- who has been a bright beacon in this mommyhood madness. So, thank you. :)

I appologize for cancelling the picnic, I am hoping to reschedule it soon, and will of course, keep you all updated on our sweet babe.