The never-ending struggle...

What's this? an impromptu day off AND a snowstorm?

yes it is.  yes. it. is. 

I fought the chill with homemade baked potato soup. 

and homemade peanut butter cups. 

to. die. for.

and playful puppies.

Stella and I came inside to a toasty Merlin. He is the best animal I've ever had.....Stella has yet to prove herself to me, although she is getting much better with regular exercise and lots of love.

With the girl at her Daddy's, and my beloved hard at work, it was just me and the menagerie tonight.
As much as I love them, it makes for a lonely night.

I do not often get a full day to myself.  I never know what to do with myself. I spend hours thinking of all of the "amber" things I could do...
"I could paint!"
"I could organize my bedroom!"
"I could go to the mall!"
"I could make all those gazillion phone calls that I've been meaning to!"
"I could bake ALL the things!"
"I could finish that craft project I've been meaning to finish!"
"I could pick up my guitar!"
"I could go to the gym, AND go for a walk, AND do my pilates DVDs!"
"I could blog...."
"I could................."
I literally do this for hours.  While I float around the house, sipping my coffee, absentmindedly cleaning the house, doing the laundry, throwing away old mail, sweeping....filling my brain with all of the things I COULD do...

Literally, hours go by...

Until half of the day is gone. And all I have to show for my day "off" is a clean kitchen and some lame pictures of my pets.
My boy always tells me that I overstuff my days off.  I've been conscious of this and have been avoiding it lately....spending more time playing with the girl, training the dog, cooking when I can, splitting her nap time between chores and things that I'd like to do.

It doesn't change the fact that I constantly feel behind. Behind in every aspect, really.
It makes me wonder...do other mothers feel this way all of the time like I do? I'm not so sure.

I'll just tell myself that they do though.  Because we can't always be the lead horse in the race....we can't always have it all together, right?  Some things have to slip behind while other things pull ahead to front and center. The daily struggle.

I have another day "off" tomorrow before I save some babies during the night...

I could do a million things!
I could catch up on my DVR!
I could make it to my spinning class!
I could go have lunch with my sister!
I could.....

*sigh*

Give a little bit of your love to me...

This is love....This right here.

Happy Valentines Day to you and all of your loves from me and mine!

XOXO

Above the Waves

Today is a new month. I had great hopes for January. But the tragically devastating loss of a dear friend on New Year's Day has sent my little family reeling and spinning off its stable axis.

Today is a new month, but the loss is still so great. So many unanswered questions makes it hard to overcome. We feel not only her loss daily, but also her presence, the two playing tug-of-war in our hearts. The weight is still so heavy to bear.

There are nightmares.
There are tears once the sun sinks low, and the little is asleep.
There is anger and confusion and anxiety.
There is the weight.  The weight is. so. much.

I am white-knuckling the rope to my anchor-sister so she doesn't slip beneath the waves. There will be no drowning. There will be no more drowning.

I haven't forgotten the good that January has brought: the fresh starts, the new plans, the love. It is the sunshine to focus on when the days are clouded.

I will keep our heads above the water. And this grief will subside like the tide. We will roll with it.

February is a new month, and there are calmer seas ahead.

someone's in the kitchen....

Tonight was a quiet little night. We had nowhere to be, nothing to do, no one to visit, nothing to clean. No expectations of us. No crazy to-do lists. Life is quieting down here in our little home. We decided to bake.

The girl did more of this than the latter. Little talk from my tiny chatterbox. There were too many "mmmmm's" in the air.

"mmmmm....momma, taste this spoon!"

"mmmmmmm...one...two...three..mmmmmmm...smells gooooood...four..."

Pretty little cookies piled high....

*woof* "Don't I get a cookie?"