Love gets you through the fog...

While my little family should be celebrating a new life for us, shuffling around, decorating for the holidays, Christmas shopping and present hunting...I seem to be stuck in this fog that is unrelentingly opaque. I am paralyzed. And I don't know what to do, or where to go, or how to lead myself through this thick air. 

I lost my job last week. 

Nine years. 

Nine years of blood, sweat, mucous, traumas, cardiacs, renal failure, ecmo, dialysis, palliative care. 

Nine years of my dream job. 

Gone. 

In a 25 minute meeting, a handing over of my badge, and a security escort. 

Nine years. 

So. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do now. 

I just can't see beyond today. 

I'm thankful that my little searches through the fog for me every day, finds my hand in the milky grey-ness where her mother is lost, and pulls me out a little each day.  

Tomorrow I will buckle down. Tomorrow I will build a resume, my past 12 years on paper. And get this show started. 

And hopefully the fog will dissipate a bit. 

Welcome home, Daisy Mae!

Sweet Days Ahead

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

It's a sweet little Valentine's day here in the woods....

My lovely little valentine has opened her treats early because she will be at school tomorrow. 

Let's just say she was delighted. :)

Valentine's day calls for honey-sweet braided buns. :)

                                                            and floral rainboots.....

and sweet spotty freckles to boot!

She is my most favorite valentine ever!!

With her around, there surely are sweet days ahead...

Enough is enough

Time for this girl to learn ...

My heart didn’t break into a thousand pieces after he left. Instead, I realized all the things he didn’t do. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t ask me questions. He didn’t smile when I was talking to him. He didn’t hug me out of the blue to make me feel good. His hugs were always a preamble to something else and after he was gone, I wondered if he ever knew me at all.
… Diane Les Becquets, Love, Cajun Style

Settle

There is nothing more soul settling than hearing her gentle footsteps through the fog of sleep and feeling her settle her soft, sleepy baby bones into the crook of my neck.
The weight of her on my chest.
And when I'm really lucky, her sweet, baby soft hand stroking my arm or holding my hand as she settles back into sleep.
And hearing her breathing slow and deepen.
Nope.
There is nothing better than that.
<3 br="">

In centers

Yule logs and ukuleles

Christmas was amazing.
I was literally catered to after working an 18 hour shift the night before. Got to see my family, got overloaded with amazing gifts, and got to see my little love open her presents. This year was fun.
So magical.
We spent the following few days relaxing, loving and playing with all our new toys.
What's better than that?
I hope your Christmases were merry!

I dreamed a dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Zczfw9bdVQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living

"mom...that was super fun!"

Took my lovely sledding for the first time.
Or so she says.
We got a new sled from Santa and this slippery snow was perfect for zooming right on down the same hill my sister and used to sled on when we were younger.
I used to hate sledding when I was a kid. For various reasons. Mainly because it always seemed like so much work for such a short thrill.
But with her....I could do it for hours. I love seeing how she lights up.
Totally worth coming inside with snow packed into the back of my jeans.
<3 br="">

Home

Love is home, for some.
I have learned that much in these times of sadness, uncertainty and doubt.
Everybody wants a safe place. A safe place to love, and be loved. Learn and teach. Thrive and make mistakes.
Everybody wants safety love.

If you are struggling these days, let this post remind you to open your heart, let go of the little things, look at all the good around you, and make yourself a safe haven for your loved ones. Be the best person that you know how to be. Settle into your bones, feel your own skin...and remember what you love about your own people, be it partners, or littles, or soul friends. And breathe a deep sigh in that safety.
Be a haven. Let go of the expectations, to-do lists and blueprints. Live in that love. Soak it in. Breathe it deep. And remind your people that they will always have you for their shelter.
There is safety in that. That is what home is.
Love is home.
Not four walls and a roof. Not a mansion on the water. Not an apartment in SoHo. Love.
That's all there is to it.

missing...

Pandora has it out for me....


Today is not my best of days.
But i suppose it isn't my worst of days.

Hoping the sun starts to shine again soon.

Ache

I hate how fatigue can interfere with general coping mechanisms.
I have a migraine the size of New England. And an ache bigger than the planet.
All I want is to be in bed.
And not be missing.

I need to go save some babies instead.
Still work for the weary.

NH

The girl and I took a mini trip up to visit our family.
These pictures are not in order, for some reason they don't post in order on my phone.

But we spent the time with family, snuggling and enjoying each other. Then headed to the county fair where my girl had herself a grand time. Mama too. :)

:)

Gorgeous day for swinging....

Dog Days of Summer

Avonlea and I took the pups to the dog park today for a little picnic. The juggling of two dogs and a toddler was a bit much for this mama.  So we picnicked under the trees, away from the other mamas and the other babies who giving this mama the stink-eye. It still was a perfect day....perfect company, perfect breeze, perfect moment for dancing in the sunshine. 

My three pups.

I forgot to edit these before the posting.  ignore the poor lighting...:)

My little gnome

I've got a thing for garden gnomes these days....

Flower Girls

 It was a pretty little sunset. And my girl requested that we go take pictures of flowers. 

Her mama's daughter. 

 

 wishes....wishes....wishes....

There is nothing more delicious than her curls tumbling over her pretty shoulders...

 it never gets old. :)

 A mushroom for a gnome...

we hope you enjoyed your sunset tonight...
<3