Above the Waves

Today is a new month. I had great hopes for January. But the tragically devastating loss of a dear friend on New Year's Day has sent my little family reeling and spinning off its stable axis.

Today is a new month, but the loss is still so great. So many unanswered questions makes it hard to overcome. We feel not only her loss daily, but also her presence, the two playing tug-of-war in our hearts. The weight is still so heavy to bear.

There are nightmares.
There are tears once the sun sinks low, and the little is asleep.
There is anger and confusion and anxiety.
There is the weight.  The weight is. so. much.

I am white-knuckling the rope to my anchor-sister so she doesn't slip beneath the waves. There will be no drowning. There will be no more drowning.

I haven't forgotten the good that January has brought: the fresh starts, the new plans, the love. It is the sunshine to focus on when the days are clouded.

I will keep our heads above the water. And this grief will subside like the tide. We will roll with it.

February is a new month, and there are calmer seas ahead.

There are angels among us.

I have been an ICU nurse for over 3 years now. Unfortunately, I have seen many kids die on our unit. Most of the time, these kids were born to die....meaning that from the moment they were born, they had multiple health issues that would inevitably, invariably lead to their demise. Fewer passed away from acute issues, like traumas or sudden cardiac arrest. I've lost patients that I have cared for, some for a short amount of time, and some for a very long time. But I had never lost a patient on my shift. Until last week. :(
"E" was a one week old baby that was admitted to our unit with probable seizure activity. He was perfectly healthy, perfectly normal until one night, his parents noticed that he wasn't eating well. When he started to have a seizure, they brought him to the ER and then he was transferred to our unit, where I admitted him. I took care of him for 3 weeks, before unfortunate blood tests ruled that he had a fatal error of metabolism (meaning that his body couldn't handle waste products efficiently, and would leave him neurologically devastated). His parents lovingly decided to make him comfort measures only, removing him from the ventilator, and allowing him to die a peaceful, dignified death.
I took care of him the night that he passed away, giving him morphine, and watching his breathing slow. And when he died, I took him from his grandmother's arms and bathed his little body one last time, covering him with yummy smelling lotion, leaving him smelling like a baby and not like our hospital. His death was very hard on me, because when I looked at him in that big bed, I saw my own daughter, grey and limp.
I think that with time, health care professionals become jaded, not that they don't still empathize with families when they lose their loved ones, that is inevitable when you work in a children's hospital, but there is a certain amount of distance that you have to put between you and the kids that you care for. When I was a nursing student, every patient's death was devastating, every death profound. And the longer you are there, the more you start to realize that certain kids really are better off dead than living the life that they are living, and so it is easier to justify death.
After "E" passed away, I held him and wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, as I had never lost a patient on my shift before. Thankfully, three other nurses who saw my flat-lined monitor came to my rescue, silently warming the water, changing the linens and rubbing lotion over him as my tears fell for him and his family. When I think back to that night, I imagine that those three girls floated in with long, wispy white gowns, like angels to take care of the two of us. And I am reminded of the scene in Les Miserables where the women sing and clean up the fallen soldiers after the revolution.
Somehow, having Avonlea has filed down my jagged, jaded edges and now I am just a pile of mush all over again. Empathy has a whole new meaning.
My heart breaks for "E's" family, and I hope that they can find some peace in his passing. I know that with my amazing friends, I have found my peace. Thank you, my angels.

the weekend of baby madness

My level II US is scheduled for March 23rd. Which seems silly to me, since it's only 2 weeks away from my due date, but whatever. Apparently it's very hard to get one of these appointments, and when I called to tell them my concern, they told me that the next available date was March 30th. Um, thanks for the help there, lady.

So, let the stress and concern continue until then, I guess.

All in all, we had a great weekend. We got a TON done. Bassinet put together? Check! House cleaned? Check! All baby laundry done and put away? Check! Diapers washed and ready to go? Check! Grocery shopping? Check! new storage shelving put up? Check!
Bags are packed, carseat is assembled and waiting, changing table is assembled and set up downstairs, nursery shelving is finished and stocked with books and toys, the cars are both cleaned, gassed up and ready to go.....EVERYTHING is pretty much done. The only thing that we can do some work on is our bedroom. We picked out the paint color and if I can commission some help, maybe that will get done on Saturday, and then we can set up our room for baby. Honestly, I'm so tired that if that doesn't get done....eh. we'll have to work on it later then.

Funny story: last night we were finally all snuggled and cuddled in bed and chatting about the weekend when the hallway light turns on. We freaked out, Justin threw on my pink fleece pants and headed downstairs to check out the situation, leaving me cowering in bed, terrified!!! In the end, it turns out there wasn't anyone in the house, but the light switch was probably only "half" up so it turned on. I was still freaked out. Before all this happened, we were timing some contractions I was having since there were soooo many. It came down to about 5/hour, but they were pretty irregular, so I just went to bed. But I kept waking up with contractions in the night. So, needless to say, between contractions, ghosts, and peeing every hour and a half, I didn't get much sleep. I think it might be naptime now before work tonight.

I am kind of hoping Avonlea decides to show up right now so I don't have to go to work. I'm exhausted...

goodnight. :)