Above the Waves

Today is a new month. I had great hopes for January. But the tragically devastating loss of a dear friend on New Year's Day has sent my little family reeling and spinning off its stable axis.

Today is a new month, but the loss is still so great. So many unanswered questions makes it hard to overcome. We feel not only her loss daily, but also her presence, the two playing tug-of-war in our hearts. The weight is still so heavy to bear.

There are nightmares.
There are tears once the sun sinks low, and the little is asleep.
There is anger and confusion and anxiety.
There is the weight.  The weight is. so. much.

I am white-knuckling the rope to my anchor-sister so she doesn't slip beneath the waves. There will be no drowning. There will be no more drowning.

I haven't forgotten the good that January has brought: the fresh starts, the new plans, the love. It is the sunshine to focus on when the days are clouded.

I will keep our heads above the water. And this grief will subside like the tide. We will roll with it.

February is a new month, and there are calmer seas ahead.

Alone time....

I loved this little video...for the tone and the idea itself.

Makes one think about just the act of being alone...how we have trained ourselves to never want to be alone. Or to even believe that being alone is a bad thing.

I am choosing to embrace being alone. It is so rare these days with the little running around, but here's to making a conscious effort to enjoy my own time, my own mind, my own hobbies and skills.

:)

Getting Back To Good

"honey....honey! wake up! I just went to take my medicine, and spilled them everywhere....I found all of them but one....can you look for it? Watch the baby really good....I love you, bye"

That's what I woke up to thursday morning.

Avonlea decided that she didn't want the eggs and sausage I made her for breakfast. Or the yogurt. Or the waffle I made her. Or the toast. And when she refused the mandarin oranges, I knew something was up. And when she started furiously rubbing her eyes and face, I plopped her in the tub thinking she had gotten pepper in her eyes from the eggs.

And then she was all mottled and blueish.

And then she was acting like a crazy person, scratching her body, pulling her hair and her ears, shaking, and screaming like she was on fire.

I let her run around naked in her room, her feet weaving her around the sand-colored carpet, and I called my friend Amy to pick her brain. We decided I should call the pediatrician. So I went downstairs, and that's when I saw it on the floor.

The Missing Pill. Laying in a drool soaked puddle.

The Missing Pill is a high dose, extended release Ritalin derivative. An amphetamine.

That's right, say it with me.

FUCK.

Poison control said I needed to take her to the Emergency room, so I packed up the babe, inconsolable, and brought her to my hospital. They were waiting for us, had a room all ready. Some bloodwork, an IV, a few EKGs, and a bottle of bubbles later, we were admitted to the med-surg floor for monitoring. She had had some EKG changes, and her heart enzymes were elevated. By 6pm the inconsolable-ness had worn off, and she was literally running around like she was on speed. Well, that's because she was. We had a rough, sleepless night of flying around the unit saying "hi! hi! hi! hi! hi!" to everyone/everything we could.

Our morning labs were not improved, but the repeat EKG was. They wanted to keep us another night, but this Momma had had enough. And so we packed up the babe and brought her home to her own toys, her own tub, and her own bed.

She's back to her normal self, no Speedy Gonzalez anymore, and despite a few nightmares that needed some momma hugs and kisses, she's back to good.

Might take Mommy a little longer. The guilt on this side of the fence is overwhelming. But I guess all those times that I told all those Other Mommies who walked into my unit "it could have happened to anyone".... guess I wasn't really lying. Because it happened to me. In a minute.

So, I'll work on the guilt. And I'll hug through the nightmares. And I'll get back to good, too.

A special thank you to all the souls who brought needed supplies, gave advice despite the unpredictable outcomes, treated, cared for and loved my little one and me. And for the night crowd who tip-toed and kept me going through the long night with texts and visits, kisses and kind words. You are loved and appreciated more than you could ever know.

these boots were made for walkin....

this video was taken with my phone, so it is grainy and terrible. but, enjoy the frankensteinian walking! it's her preferred method of getting around these days. ;)

10 month Newsletter

Dear Avonlea,

You are 10 months old. At your last visit, you were 26.75 inches long and 17.9 pounds. The doctor was impressed with your attentiveness, verbal skills, and mobility. You are solidly in your 9 month clothing, but we have broken out some of the 9-12 month clothing and 12 month clothes to break up the monotony of your drawers. Your auntie says you have gotten chubby, and I have to agree. You also have amazingly delicious ham hocks for thighs and I love how you giggle when I munch on you. :)

You crawl with a fever now, scooting around everywhere. You also stand and cruise around, and in the beginning of the month starting letting go of the furniture and crashing down on your bottom and giggling. I giggle when you get back up just to crash back down and laugh. :)

Towards the end of this month, on a few separate occasions, you took a step. And then two. And then you crash into me or daddy, or the floor, and giggle like a maniac. I can SEE how badly you want to walk, and I know it's coming so fast! Soon you will be buzzing around this house and we will be regretting that we ever encouraged you to walk to begin with!

One morning while getting us ready to leave the house, I put you down in the kitchen and not even a minute later heard you whimpering. I made a few passes through the living room and dining room and when I couldn't find you, I stopped in the hallway. I heard you whimper again...and then I saw you... three stairs from the top of the staircase, and turning around to look at me! My heart stopped! You were whimpering because you didn't know how to get down. So, you also learned how to climb the stairs this month! And we also learned to put up a baby gate!

Your taste in food has gotten much better, you basically eat what we eat now. And if we even try to give you something different, you just whine until we give you some of what we are eating. Which is fine with us, because it's one less meal to make. You even eat salmon- I can't believe MY daughter eats salmon! Insane!

You had been doing well with sleeping through the night, but this month have made a mockery of us, taking over an hour to go to sleep and then waking 4-5 times per night. None of us are getting any sleep, and we are all cranky and overtired. By the time this blog posts, we will have already started some "sleep training" from The Sleep Lady, called The Sleep Lady Shuffle. We hope that soon we will all be able to sleep a little easier.

You also had your first sleepover this month with Grandma and Grandpa, leaving us alone in our house for the first time since you were born! It was glorious, and we got to go out to a play, and dinner, and not have to worry about rushing home to you. You had a great time and we are excited to keep this trend going! :)

Your verbal skills have remained the same, and while you haven't learned any new words, you make sounds that sound like our words constantly, leaving us to say "did she just say ___? or did it just SOUND like it??"

Soon, we need to start planning your first birthday party- I can't believe it's almost been a year....WHERE DID THIS YEAR GO??? That statement has a whole new meaning once you have a child.

We have lots of pictures to post in addition to this newsletter. Stay tuned!!

We love you monkey girl!

3 Month Newsletter

Avonlea, today you are 3 months old. This has been a challenging and rewarding month

You are now just about 9lbs and 21 inches long, and have aaaaalmost outgrown all of your preemie clothing and have triumphantly grown into most newborn sizes. Proportionately, your waist is tiny, and newborn pants sadly leave too huge of a gap to wear out in public, but with your fluffiest of cloth diapers (a sunny yellow Happy Heiny), we might be able to pull it off! Your eyelashes go on for miiiles now, and get darker and darker every day, gorgeously feathering your aqua moon-crater eyes.

This month you have begun “talking” up a storm. You are most vocal in the mid mornings when we coo and laugh and “oooooo” all over the place, your tiny pink circle of a mouth letting drool dribble to your chin and down your onesie. You respond to my questions with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, as though you are actually considering what I’ve just told you to be the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard, and usually jabber back at me “eeeeeoooooooaaaaa”. And it is the most lovely sound. Giggles are much more frequent than last month, especially when you are being changed, and we talk to the painted pictures of a hatching chick above your changing table.

You are phenomenal at eating now, and although it doesn’t seem that you are eating much more than you had been, you continue to gain weight, and so we know that all is well in that department. We are much more comfortable with breast feeding, and you fall asleep fairly quickly at our night time feeding, preferring to snuggle in close to mommy rather than a bottle, and slip into dreamland. You are excellent at sleeping through the night and last from 9pm-530am, and stay in our bed for the rest of the night for prime mommy and daddy snuggle time. I know that eventually I will have to start staying awake for your early morning feeding to place you back in your own bed, but for now, there is nothing sweeter than feeling your breath on my skin, and your hand tickling my belly.

This month you started holding toys, you aren’t very good at it, as you prefer to keep your little hands clenched tight, so we usually have to pry them open and slip the toy in….but a few times you have grabbed at things on your own. You are becoming more aware of your uncontrollable limbs, and you are humerous to watch. You have also begun to love being carried around with daddy in the Jeep carrier, looking out and taking in the sights. You are mesmerized by the TV and we have already begun to be careful with how much exposure you get. You also are allowing us to put you down for longer stretches of time, I think I got 45 minutes out of you today while I rearranged your dresser drawers! Every day, you cry less and less, and smile more and more.

We had our first night out without you, the fantastically fun family wedding of Mia and David. And you had a grand ol’ time with your Baba and Grand-pa-pa, and didn’t give them much trouble at all, besides all of the inquisitive mustache pulling. It was nice to be non-mommy and non-daddy for a night…although I must confess, when I asked your Daddy if he would call to check in on you, not even 2 hours after we’d left, he already had. It choked me up to see how on the ball he was, but then again, he always is when it’s about you.

Despite your widening smiles, our little family was saddened by two tragedies this month. We lost a dear, dear friend to your Grammy-mother, Marge DiTullio. Although you will never remember meeting her when you were only 8 weeks old, she sure adored you. Thankfully, you were still so tiny, and she was able to hold her though her body was weakened by her failing heart. She was larger than life, crass and opinionated, but diligently respectful and easily one of the funniest women I have ever known. She beat the odds, living far longer than I think many of us expected her to, and living life to the fullest right up to the end, sipping on her beloved bubbly orange soda. You will hear Auntie Sarah and Mommy speak of her often when you grow up, and of all of the funny things she used to say and do, because we will tell you of her life and her loves, and carry her Christmas traditions and family into our homes. She will be missed forever and ever.

A week after we lost Marge, you were admitted to the hospital for scaring the life out of me. While visiting your future BFFs, Kylie and Cailin (and Amy), you went gray and limp in my arms. We took you to the Pediatricians office, who had us admitted to the hospital to monitor you, and after one terrible night in the hospital, we were discharged with a “clean-ish” bill of health, and a prescription for anti-reflux medications. That one night in the hospital rocked your little world, and it took us nearly 3 weeks to fully recover and return to your previous eating and sleeping habits. Thankfully you haven’t had another episode like that one, but it certainly prompted us to buy a special monitor to help us all sleep a little better at night. Especially since my maternity leave has come to an end.

Although I am grateful and excited to go back to work and my friends and I am sad to leave your little body at night, I know that you are safe and thriving with your Daddy. So far, it hasn’t been easy on him, and I hope that the two of you can come to terms with me being gone and move on to your own special bedtime routine for the nights that I cannot be with you to nurse and snuggle.


And so I write this from work, monitors beeping in the background, and vital signs waiting to be taken. Although these babies will never be as important to me as you are, I have to go and feed their little bellies and keep them safe at night. So sleep tight, my sweet babe….Daddy’s got this one. “I gotta go!”

a return to normalcy

Hello again,
It's been a few weeks since I have posted, but I just wanted to say that things here at our little home are just starting to get back on schedule and back to "normal". Avonlea is finally back on some sort of sleep and feeding schedule, and is back to her usual smiley self. We have spent a lot of time with family in the past two weeks, and had a great night out at my cousin's wedding this past saturday sans baby. It has been a good few weeks, coming to an end on wednesday night when I have to return back to work. :( It's a whole other posting to come soon. :(

ALTE anyone?

So, our "Meet Avonlea" picnic was cancelled last saturday, not due to rain as I had predicted the reason to be, but rather because Avonlea got admitted to the hospital friday night. :(

To make a long story short, she had an ALTE, aka an Acute Life Threatening Event on Friday afternoon while I was visiting with my friend Amy and the girls. She went grey, limp, and lethargic, and was breathing "funny". The event lasted about 40 minutes, and after a call and visit to the pediatrician shortly after, we went to the hospital for bloodwork and wound up being admitted so that she could be on a monitor overnight. It was scary and awful, and I don't even like to think about it. While we were in the hospital, everything was fine, and after numerous tests, bloodwork and assessments, she was given the clean bill of health with a great diagnoses of "we don't know why she did that- but keep a close eye on her". So, Justin and I have been doing just that, trying to take it easy and relax, and just take care of our sweet girl.

In related news, since we have been discharged from the hospital, she has started to have some reflux (aka heartburn) and I wouldnt be surprised if this was the cause of her ALTE. But nevertheless, we have been in close contact with our pediatrician and are working on stopping the reflux so she doesn't do that again. :(

We have had a rough time readjusting after that night in the hospital, mainly because we are constantly scared that she is going to have another event, and in turn have bought an Angelcare monitor that will basically alarm if she stops breathing/moving in her sleep. This has helped us to sleep knowing that she is ok. To make matters worse, Avonlea's sleep schedule got turned upside down, and we are trying desperately to get that under control before I go back to work on Wednesday. :(

Anyhooo, so that is our little update. Not a good one, but one nonetheless.
We are very thankful for everyone's support in this scary time, especially to our parents, my sister, and of course Amy- who has been a bright beacon in this mommyhood madness. So, thank you. :)

I appologize for cancelling the picnic, I am hoping to reschedule it soon, and will of course, keep you all updated on our sweet babe.