Love gets you through the fog...

While my little family should be celebrating a new life for us, shuffling around, decorating for the holidays, Christmas shopping and present hunting...I seem to be stuck in this fog that is unrelentingly opaque. I am paralyzed. And I don't know what to do, or where to go, or how to lead myself through this thick air. 

I lost my job last week. 

Nine years. 

Nine years of blood, sweat, mucous, traumas, cardiacs, renal failure, ecmo, dialysis, palliative care. 

Nine years of my dream job. 

Gone. 

In a 25 minute meeting, a handing over of my badge, and a security escort. 

Nine years. 

So. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do now. 

I just can't see beyond today. 

I'm thankful that my little searches through the fog for me every day, finds my hand in the milky grey-ness where her mother is lost, and pulls me out a little each day.  

Tomorrow I will buckle down. Tomorrow I will build a resume, my past 12 years on paper. And get this show started. 

And hopefully the fog will dissipate a bit. 

The Bucket List

For awhile, I've been thinking of all of the things I've ever wanted to do in my life, but fear that I will never have the nerve....or the time...

So here is my up-to-date list, that grows by the day....

1. Sing one of my own songs on a stage. Somewhere. Anywhere. Preferably a small coffeehouse with not-so-many people watching. What's that? You didn't know I wrote my own songs? Or played guitar? Not too many people do. ;)

2. Be responsible for a majority of the artwork in our home. That was my goal when we bought our little home. Theeeeeeen came baby. Theeeeeere goes time for personal projects. *sigh*. One of the main projects that I would like to accomplish is to make a large glass mosaic for my window...I daily dream of the soft curves of blues and greens....#2 leads us to....

3. Regain my creativity. With a little one crawling (soon-to-be-RUNNING) around, I have less and less time for the things that I used to love...the things that used to make me, well, ME. I know that as she gets older, I'll slowly regain the tiny pieces of myself that have been misplaced in these past few months. I see the light at the end of this tunnel.

4. Get my brain back. Call it Placenta Brain, call it The Lactation Lobotomy....whatever you call it...you can't really GET it unless you've had a babe of your own. Actually, I take that back...I do wonder if adopted mothers feel the same level of absent-minded-ness that comes after physically having a baby. Some day, I'll do research on it...it HAS to be biological! I can't explain it any other way! Just add it to the list. ;)

5. Get my CCRN. For the non-nurse population, that's "Certified Critical Care Nursing License". Basically, it will help me be the bomb-diggity at my job, I mean....even more than I am now. ;) But, I kinda need #4 first. *sigh*

6. Become a Reiki master. I have long believed in the healing power of touch and energy. I know, as a nurse, that when I present a certain energy to my patient, that they react to that energy. I would love to be able to appropriately channel my good intentions to my patients and those that I love....every semester I see the classes in the local hospital newsletter....one of these days (again, see #4), I will grow the nerve to send in my application.

7. Build my dream house. I know, I know...I might have lied to my wonderful husband when we bought our first home..."Yes, of COURSE this will be our forever home! No, we will never have to move again!"...but to truly understand what the home has to offer, or lacks, you have to really live in that space for awhile. And now I know what works and what doesn't. And daily, I see inspiration from my favorite magazines and blogs of what I would really want in my dream home....someday....

8. Name a nail polish. I know. It's ridiculous. But really....why should the people at O.P.I. have all the fun?? If I wasn't a nurse, I might be a nail polish namer-person. Funnest job EVER!

9. Be a dog owner again. I know this is not the right time. Yes, I KNOW I have 3 wonderful anti-dog kitties. I'll wait. I mean, I love my kitties....they are loving and affectionate, and frisky and fun. But there is something about the wide-eyed I-love-you-so-much, tails-a-waggin, oh-my-god-I've-waited-for-you-to-come-home-all-DAY kind of pet that you just can't get from a kitty. Again...someday...

10. Sleep in one of those water bungalows in Fiji. I'm not sure if it's just the IDEA of Fiji, or those dreamy water bungalows....but *sigh*. I just have to go there some day. In my mind, it is the ultimate vacation. The ultimate getaway. I want to go. Right. Now.

11. Become a spinning instructor. Spinning is the only activity that I REALLY love. I've had a few great instructors and a lot of bad instructors. There is nothing worse than a bad spinning class. I don't want to spin to crap songs or always go as-fast-as-i-can through the whole class. I always said that I would take the plunge and become an instructor when I.....

12. Reach my goal weight that I set 2.5 years ago. I made this list last week. And last week, I am super excited to say...I reached my goal weight. I have done it. I have lost 100 pounds. It was a long, hard road. I am no longer that fat girl in the corner. I am of "normal" size, I blend into a crowd, people listen to my voice instead of staring at my size. I am heard. I am seen for who I am. I am not laughed at for what I look like anymore. What do you do when you have finally gotten every wish you have ever wished for since you could remember wishing?

You cross it off the list.

And you move onto the next thing that will help make yourself happy, a better person.

I'm not sure where I'll start.... but with #12 under my (much smaller) belt, I've got a head start.

So here's to hard work, and taking risks.

What does your list look like?

XOX

honk honk

Some random things from the past few days:

I woke up this morning at 1:30am to Justin honking my nose. In his sleep. When I wasn't laughing hysterically at him, I was really mad at him. :)

While out for an evening neighborhood stroll the other day, I finally smelled it.....Autumn. It might be one of the best smells ever. It makes me want to go back to school shopping and put on jeans and a hoody. *sigh*

I think a Sangria party is in the works for this November. I will keep you posted.

I can't wait for work-related things to slow down and work itself out. I need to make a decision already and move on!

This whole news story about the CT legislature playing solitaire is infuriating and amusing at the same time. It doesn't really make me lower my expectations any, as I realize that I really just didn't have all that much faith in them anyway.

I got furloughed tonight. Where is the respiratory virus season??? Bring it on!!

alright. goodnight.

5 month newsletter

Dear Avonlea,

Today you are five months old. You aren't that much bigger than you were a month ago, and weigh about 12 lbs. Although you don't seem that much bigger, your little feet don't need the dictionary to reach the floor while you are in your excersaucer, and so we know that you have grown. You are STILL in your 0-3 month clothing, with no sign of outgrowing them any time soon. Although, I have a feeling that one day we will wake up, and just like that, you will be in the next size.

Your apple cheeks have rounded out quite a bit, and your arms don't feel quite as thin as before. I love to see your little roundy fingers wrapped around my thumbs. I love the weight of you in my arms and cannot describe it any better than that.

One day this month, while playing with Amy and the girls, (I've found that most things seem to happen when we are with them), you rolled over from your belly onto your back. One moment, you were propped up on your elbows, and the next moment, you were flopped over on your back with a "what-the-hell-just-happened?" look on your face. I flipped you back, thinking that you had simply just fallen over, but a few minutes later, you did it again. And so, you have officially begun rolling over. :) It's about time!Adorably, you have also begun to turn your cheek to us for kisses, and quite honestly, it is one of our favorite things to do. We simply cannot hold you without covering you in them, and you giggle when Daddy's beard tickles your face. After we kiss you, you turn your face to us and slime us with your smoochy drool, and it is divine.

This past week, we have noticed that when we eat, you are very interested in our meals, diving forward to reach for our foods and even wanting to eat from me while we eat. I anticipate needing to start solids with you soon, and while that makes me a little bit sad, Daddy can't wait! But we will hold out for as long as we can. Although no teeth have officially cut through, we can see them beneath your pink gums and know that the “teething” process will begin very, very soon.

In addition to being interested in our snacks, you are also increasingly interested in the kitties, leaping forward to touch their fur, usually ending up with fistfuls of their soft hair. They tolerate you for now, as you aren't very mobile yet, but I can see the skepticism in their green eyes and they know that their time is limited....that sooner than we all know, you will be chasing them around, squealing in delight.

The end of this month has proven to be a struggle, as Daddy has gone back to work at a new school, and I am trying hard to find a schedule that works well for us as a family, and so some sacrifices will have to be made all around. But we know that it is for the best, and I can't wait to be with you on a more consistent basis. In the meantime, in our absence you are lovingly being cared for by your daddy's cousin Drina and your grammy mother. And so far, you have had wonderful play dates with them, napping when you need to, playing when you want to, and getting covered in their lovely kisses. When you come home from your play dates, you are pooped. I love how you seem to melt into my body, giving me your own little hugs as if to say "oh, i missed you mommy!". I find myself waiting for that moment all day, and when I unleash you from your car seat, my heart bursts to feel the weight of you in my arms. There may be nothing better.

As the summer comes to an end, I find myself getting excited for cool autumn walks with you in our neighborhood, and showing you the colors of the changing leaves. I can't wait for the surge of physical and emotional developmental milestones to come your way, and look forward to what you have to teach us, and not just what we have to teach you. I already can't believe that you are 5 months old....and while I have relished every day with you, I feel like we just left the hospital with you a few weeks ago. I love that we are still in awe of you, and after we have put you to bed, we stay up and frequently say "Can you BELIEVE her? Can you believe we MADE her? Can you believe how much we LOVE her?", and yet I know that I might feel that way forever. Life is good. Life. is. good.

Until next time, sweet girl...we love you.

There are angels among us.

I have been an ICU nurse for over 3 years now. Unfortunately, I have seen many kids die on our unit. Most of the time, these kids were born to die....meaning that from the moment they were born, they had multiple health issues that would inevitably, invariably lead to their demise. Fewer passed away from acute issues, like traumas or sudden cardiac arrest. I've lost patients that I have cared for, some for a short amount of time, and some for a very long time. But I had never lost a patient on my shift. Until last week. :(
"E" was a one week old baby that was admitted to our unit with probable seizure activity. He was perfectly healthy, perfectly normal until one night, his parents noticed that he wasn't eating well. When he started to have a seizure, they brought him to the ER and then he was transferred to our unit, where I admitted him. I took care of him for 3 weeks, before unfortunate blood tests ruled that he had a fatal error of metabolism (meaning that his body couldn't handle waste products efficiently, and would leave him neurologically devastated). His parents lovingly decided to make him comfort measures only, removing him from the ventilator, and allowing him to die a peaceful, dignified death.
I took care of him the night that he passed away, giving him morphine, and watching his breathing slow. And when he died, I took him from his grandmother's arms and bathed his little body one last time, covering him with yummy smelling lotion, leaving him smelling like a baby and not like our hospital. His death was very hard on me, because when I looked at him in that big bed, I saw my own daughter, grey and limp.
I think that with time, health care professionals become jaded, not that they don't still empathize with families when they lose their loved ones, that is inevitable when you work in a children's hospital, but there is a certain amount of distance that you have to put between you and the kids that you care for. When I was a nursing student, every patient's death was devastating, every death profound. And the longer you are there, the more you start to realize that certain kids really are better off dead than living the life that they are living, and so it is easier to justify death.
After "E" passed away, I held him and wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, as I had never lost a patient on my shift before. Thankfully, three other nurses who saw my flat-lined monitor came to my rescue, silently warming the water, changing the linens and rubbing lotion over him as my tears fell for him and his family. When I think back to that night, I imagine that those three girls floated in with long, wispy white gowns, like angels to take care of the two of us. And I am reminded of the scene in Les Miserables where the women sing and clean up the fallen soldiers after the revolution.
Somehow, having Avonlea has filed down my jagged, jaded edges and now I am just a pile of mush all over again. Empathy has a whole new meaning.
My heart breaks for "E's" family, and I hope that they can find some peace in his passing. I know that with my amazing friends, I have found my peace. Thank you, my angels.