Birthday Bliss

I know. It's been an ungodly amount of time. I just couldn't pull my head out of my bum to post. and then i started getting all this anxiety about how i haven't posted in 10 years. so, i'm gonna do some drive-by posts in pictures to get us all caught up and back to the present day!!

We had a little party for the birthday girl....(way back in april)....

Lots of balloons...lots of friends....lots of food...and lots of presents....what more could we ask for?

I think this is the most sugar she's ever had in her life! She actually made a dent in that cake!!

All pooped out....she slept like a rock that night!

It was a busy, but love filled day. Thank you to everyone who came, helped us set up and break down the party, ate all the wonderful food cooked by my MIL and husband, and brought wonderful gifts for Avonlea to love!!

Nurses Week

This post goes out to all my nurse friends, who kick ass every day. Especially the nurses that I have the pleasure to work with.

I work with incredible nurses, both in skill and in heart. Working with the population what we work with is no easy feat. I have seen a lot in my 4 years of being in the Pediatric ICU. I have seen babies live despite all odds, and many have died. And it never really gets easier to watch. We just get better at dealing with it.

So thank you, girls, for being with me through the long nights. Thank you for medication checks, and siding with each other while bickering with doctors. Thank you for 2 am baths, 9 pm trache care, help with admissions, transfers and discharges. Thank you for snacks, family dinner time, and weekend take-out. Thank you for helping me pick grieving parents up off the floor to hold their dying children. Thank you for picking me up off the floor every night around 4 am.

Here's to many more years, and many more nurses' day with my favorite crew. With you, I know I am never working alone.

Get out there and hug your favorite nurse today! :)

Getting Back To Good

"honey....honey! wake up! I just went to take my medicine, and spilled them everywhere....I found all of them but one....can you look for it? Watch the baby really good....I love you, bye"

That's what I woke up to thursday morning.

Avonlea decided that she didn't want the eggs and sausage I made her for breakfast. Or the yogurt. Or the waffle I made her. Or the toast. And when she refused the mandarin oranges, I knew something was up. And when she started furiously rubbing her eyes and face, I plopped her in the tub thinking she had gotten pepper in her eyes from the eggs.

And then she was all mottled and blueish.

And then she was acting like a crazy person, scratching her body, pulling her hair and her ears, shaking, and screaming like she was on fire.

I let her run around naked in her room, her feet weaving her around the sand-colored carpet, and I called my friend Amy to pick her brain. We decided I should call the pediatrician. So I went downstairs, and that's when I saw it on the floor.

The Missing Pill. Laying in a drool soaked puddle.

The Missing Pill is a high dose, extended release Ritalin derivative. An amphetamine.

That's right, say it with me.

FUCK.

Poison control said I needed to take her to the Emergency room, so I packed up the babe, inconsolable, and brought her to my hospital. They were waiting for us, had a room all ready. Some bloodwork, an IV, a few EKGs, and a bottle of bubbles later, we were admitted to the med-surg floor for monitoring. She had had some EKG changes, and her heart enzymes were elevated. By 6pm the inconsolable-ness had worn off, and she was literally running around like she was on speed. Well, that's because she was. We had a rough, sleepless night of flying around the unit saying "hi! hi! hi! hi! hi!" to everyone/everything we could.

Our morning labs were not improved, but the repeat EKG was. They wanted to keep us another night, but this Momma had had enough. And so we packed up the babe and brought her home to her own toys, her own tub, and her own bed.

She's back to her normal self, no Speedy Gonzalez anymore, and despite a few nightmares that needed some momma hugs and kisses, she's back to good.

Might take Mommy a little longer. The guilt on this side of the fence is overwhelming. But I guess all those times that I told all those Other Mommies who walked into my unit "it could have happened to anyone".... guess I wasn't really lying. Because it happened to me. In a minute.

So, I'll work on the guilt. And I'll hug through the nightmares. And I'll get back to good, too.

A special thank you to all the souls who brought needed supplies, gave advice despite the unpredictable outcomes, treated, cared for and loved my little one and me. And for the night crowd who tip-toed and kept me going through the long night with texts and visits, kisses and kind words. You are loved and appreciated more than you could ever know.

Easter Sunday Funday

So Easter turned into a pleasant surprise...I was scheduled to work that night and I wound up getting cancelled, so I shot on over to my parents house and got to see my little bunny in her Easter dress, eat some yummy food, and hang out with the family.

Look at all my eggs, Daddy!

Amazing cheesecake that my mom made!

Although I missed all the egg hunts, it's ok. I'll be able to be there next year, when it really gets fun!

Happy easter!

little ditty

i found this little song today.

today, my non-mommy day.

where i did household things, got my oil changed, did some vacation clothes shopping, and enjoyed being a non-mommy for an afternoon.

and while hearing this song, i realized that although this is a love song, it pertains more so to being a mommy. that no matter where she is...i am always thinking of her....

"i feel you in the pocket of my overcoat

my fingers wrap around your words

they take shape of games we play

thoughts of you

warm my bones

i'm on the way, i'm on the phone

let's get lost, me and you

an ocean and a rock

is nothing to me

i keep you in the pocket of my dresses

and the bristles of my brushes

spin you into my curls today

i spoon you into my coffee cup

spin you through a delicate wash

i wear you all day"

my non-mommy days will always be mommy days.

it's almost been a year...this mommy-madness. today i go back, 360 days ago, to the anticipation in my round belly and of all the magic it would bring us.

oh to do it over again!

so, to my non-mommy friends...enjoy your non-mommy days. because once that baby comes....every day is a mommy day, no matter where she is.

listen to the little ditty here.

:) have a good day! (mommy or non-mommy)

a day in the park

We took the babe to the park up the street today to get us all out of the house, out of the stress, and into the sunshine.

These are a few favorites of mine from the day.

Dear sunshine,

I missed you. Please stay for a while longer before the rains re-emerge.

Thank you kindly.

Love,

Amber, Justin & Avonlea

the nose knows

so today, as i am feeding the babe lunch, and trying desperately to get some kind...ANY KIND...of nourishment into her little body that doesn't involve the word cracker in it, i quiz her.

"avonlea...where is your nose?"

she stares at me blankly, even cocking her head like puppies do to funny sounds, eyebrows up, her blank stare turning into a puzzled expression.

i turn to the sink to start the dishes. and then i hear, "HEY!" in her little baby voice.

I turn around.

And there she is, huge gummy smile, with her little finger pointed on the side of her nose.

*mouth drop*

seriously??? my kid is a genius!

it's nice to see that i'm doing something right.

bottoms up!

A funny story to share:

In an effort to do a mad dash out the door today to meet my friend Blair for lunch, I put the babe in the playroom while I showered, hoping to distract her long enough for me to get ready for our luncheon. However, that did not happen according to plan.

Like most women, I have a shower ritual. It goes like this:
1. shampoo hair
2. shave
3. apply conditioner
4. wash body
5. rinse conditioner
6. wash face
7. crouch in hot shower a la The Crying Game.

just kidding about that last part.

So, between step 1 and 2, I hear Avonlea crying. I reassure. She continues to cry. I continue to reassure.
Still....crying. So, I peek my head out, I do not see her from the shower, and notice that her cries are actually muffled.
So, I finish my shower while she cries her muffled cries, getting louder and more hysterical as I hurry along.
And as our wet, sexy, dashingly beautiful heroine (i.e:: me) dashes out around the bathroom door, there she is.

Face first, bottoms up, into a bin of toys. Like, legs waving in the air, screaming her little head off.

I did what any mother would do.

I burst out laughing. Contemplated grabbing my Canon, felt too bad about making her wait any longer, and plucked her out of the bin. Her face was covered in snot, and her hair was wet from her tears streaming down her upside down face.

And, because she was so hysterical by that point, it was impossible to put her down without her screaming, making us 25 minutes late for delicious beet salad and window shopping.

Damnit. I wish I grabbed my camera. That photo would have been amazing.

11 Month Newsletter

Avonlea,

You are 11 months old. Holy cow! I can't believe that in 4 short weeks, you will be a year! Where did this year go?? We were so wrapped up in you that we hardly even noticed the changing of the seasons, the increase in grey hairs, and the newly emerging fine lines around our sleep deprived eyes.

You have had another growth spurt since our last newsletter, suddenly out growing all of your 9 month clothes and fitting perfectly into 12 months clothing. As we speak, we have just returned from a shopping spree at our favorite baby consignment shop in town, grabbing tons of great summer finds for you for our trip to Martha's Vineyard. Daddy can't wait to show you around his favorite little island, and I can't wait to go there for the first time with you, my love!

A month ago, we started taking Saturday morning swim lessons at our local pool. You weren't as interested in the "swim" part of swim class as you were in the "class" part. You waved and dove at the other babies, smiling and saying "heeeey!" while waving your arms furiously. Eventually, we got you to focus on the task at hand...and now you LOVE to swim, and will even put your face in the water to blow bubbles. We have one week left of this swim class series, and then we plan on definitely signing up and continuing this great class. We have made some good friends here, and have fun every saturday! We know that you will love the water when we head to the vineyard, and if you are anything like your mommy and daddy when we were kids, we will have to beg and plead to get you out of the water!

You started this month cautiously standing at furniture and letting go, crashing to the floor only to giggle and get back up again. And now, as I write this, you walk all over the house. The transformation from "crawler" to "walker" has been amazingly adorable. And tonight, at Grandma's house, as she stomped behind threatening to "get you", I do believe I saw you begin to RUN to get away! You now prefer walking to crawling, and I imagine it is because crawling just takes far too long now!

When last we left, you were giving us a run for our money in the sleep department. And With great persistence, great love, and of course, the Sleep Lady Shuffle, you now go to sleep all on your own, easily, and without tears. You surprised the both of us with how easily you taught yourself, and made us realize that it wasn't really YOUR fault to begin with. We taught you to need our help to go to sleep, and we had to teach you to learn to fall asleep on your own. If I only had a dollar for every time we have said "well...now we know for next time!".

(don't get too excited....."next" time is years away....) :)

February was a very challenging month for our little family, and with great sadness, we have all gained another guardian angel. You did not know your Daddy's Nana, but we have learned of her great love for all of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, and her incredible culinary skills. Although it seems that we have been surrounded by loss in this past year, you have shown us that when we fall, we get back up. I know that our angels, our Nana, our Babci, our Marge, are there holding your hand as you take your first steps, and I know that you are surrounded in their love.

Earlier in the month, we went to your friend Sara's first birthday party, where you got to eat your first cupcake. I love seeing you with other babies, especially Kylie, Cailin, and Sara...it is amazing to me how different you are with each of them....which personality traits emerge depending on who you are spending time with. I love how you buzz around, and barely have time to stop and give your momma a kiss, because you are far too busy playing with your friends. I love that when you see them, you toddle over to them and give them big sloppy kisses. I am excited to say that in september, you will have a new little friend, and we can hardly wait to meet them...until then, I know that you will share your guardian angels....not that we could keep them away! Congrats, D&D!

This week begins the furious party planning for your first birthday....and like your amazing personality, it will be fun, bright, and full of smiles, cuddles and sloppy wet kisses.

So, let the party planning begin!

We love you, muffin!

these boots were made for walkin....

this video was taken with my phone, so it is grainy and terrible. but, enjoy the frankensteinian walking! it's her preferred method of getting around these days. ;)

lions on lambs

So often, I take photographs and am frustrated with the outcome....they either aren't as beautiful as I had imagined them in my mind, something was out of focus, my subject moved too quickly....the list goes on...

Tonight, my goal was to realize the beauty in my own mistakes. There is great beauty here, in this every day life of mine. This raw, real, every day life.

I feel like this photograph is the story of my life lately....She's growing up so fast. She is my storm, and I am her calm.

February was a busy month. And it was easy to get lost in the to-do lists and must-get-dones, sadness and uncertainty. I'm embracing March and what it has to offer....hopefully gorgeous signs of spring, warmer winds, and a little less of the sad chaos that February blew onto us.

So welcome, March. In like a lamb....let's go out like lions, shall we? Bring it.

baby blues

this is what i get to fall into every single day. how lucky am i??

The Bucket List

For awhile, I've been thinking of all of the things I've ever wanted to do in my life, but fear that I will never have the nerve....or the time...

So here is my up-to-date list, that grows by the day....

1. Sing one of my own songs on a stage. Somewhere. Anywhere. Preferably a small coffeehouse with not-so-many people watching. What's that? You didn't know I wrote my own songs? Or played guitar? Not too many people do. ;)

2. Be responsible for a majority of the artwork in our home. That was my goal when we bought our little home. Theeeeeeen came baby. Theeeeeere goes time for personal projects. *sigh*. One of the main projects that I would like to accomplish is to make a large glass mosaic for my window...I daily dream of the soft curves of blues and greens....#2 leads us to....

3. Regain my creativity. With a little one crawling (soon-to-be-RUNNING) around, I have less and less time for the things that I used to love...the things that used to make me, well, ME. I know that as she gets older, I'll slowly regain the tiny pieces of myself that have been misplaced in these past few months. I see the light at the end of this tunnel.

4. Get my brain back. Call it Placenta Brain, call it The Lactation Lobotomy....whatever you call it...you can't really GET it unless you've had a babe of your own. Actually, I take that back...I do wonder if adopted mothers feel the same level of absent-minded-ness that comes after physically having a baby. Some day, I'll do research on it...it HAS to be biological! I can't explain it any other way! Just add it to the list. ;)

5. Get my CCRN. For the non-nurse population, that's "Certified Critical Care Nursing License". Basically, it will help me be the bomb-diggity at my job, I mean....even more than I am now. ;) But, I kinda need #4 first. *sigh*

6. Become a Reiki master. I have long believed in the healing power of touch and energy. I know, as a nurse, that when I present a certain energy to my patient, that they react to that energy. I would love to be able to appropriately channel my good intentions to my patients and those that I love....every semester I see the classes in the local hospital newsletter....one of these days (again, see #4), I will grow the nerve to send in my application.

7. Build my dream house. I know, I know...I might have lied to my wonderful husband when we bought our first home..."Yes, of COURSE this will be our forever home! No, we will never have to move again!"...but to truly understand what the home has to offer, or lacks, you have to really live in that space for awhile. And now I know what works and what doesn't. And daily, I see inspiration from my favorite magazines and blogs of what I would really want in my dream home....someday....

8. Name a nail polish. I know. It's ridiculous. But really....why should the people at O.P.I. have all the fun?? If I wasn't a nurse, I might be a nail polish namer-person. Funnest job EVER!

9. Be a dog owner again. I know this is not the right time. Yes, I KNOW I have 3 wonderful anti-dog kitties. I'll wait. I mean, I love my kitties....they are loving and affectionate, and frisky and fun. But there is something about the wide-eyed I-love-you-so-much, tails-a-waggin, oh-my-god-I've-waited-for-you-to-come-home-all-DAY kind of pet that you just can't get from a kitty. Again...someday...

10. Sleep in one of those water bungalows in Fiji. I'm not sure if it's just the IDEA of Fiji, or those dreamy water bungalows....but *sigh*. I just have to go there some day. In my mind, it is the ultimate vacation. The ultimate getaway. I want to go. Right. Now.

11. Become a spinning instructor. Spinning is the only activity that I REALLY love. I've had a few great instructors and a lot of bad instructors. There is nothing worse than a bad spinning class. I don't want to spin to crap songs or always go as-fast-as-i-can through the whole class. I always said that I would take the plunge and become an instructor when I.....

12. Reach my goal weight that I set 2.5 years ago. I made this list last week. And last week, I am super excited to say...I reached my goal weight. I have done it. I have lost 100 pounds. It was a long, hard road. I am no longer that fat girl in the corner. I am of "normal" size, I blend into a crowd, people listen to my voice instead of staring at my size. I am heard. I am seen for who I am. I am not laughed at for what I look like anymore. What do you do when you have finally gotten every wish you have ever wished for since you could remember wishing?

You cross it off the list.

And you move onto the next thing that will help make yourself happy, a better person.

I'm not sure where I'll start.... but with #12 under my (much smaller) belt, I've got a head start.

So here's to hard work, and taking risks.

What does your list look like?

XOX

Snow bunnies!!!

When we first took Avonlea outside, she was less than thrilled, being down an afternoon nap. But once we sat her down in the snow for the VERY first time, we got some smiles out of her. :)

Oops! don't fall!!

"look...it's a snowball"

" oooooooooooooooooooo"

God i love this hat! it makes everything insta-cute. :)
She kept wanting more and more snow to eat. "mmmm!"

We enjoyed our snow day...we hope you did too! :)

10 month Newsletter

Dear Avonlea,

You are 10 months old. At your last visit, you were 26.75 inches long and 17.9 pounds. The doctor was impressed with your attentiveness, verbal skills, and mobility. You are solidly in your 9 month clothing, but we have broken out some of the 9-12 month clothing and 12 month clothes to break up the monotony of your drawers. Your auntie says you have gotten chubby, and I have to agree. You also have amazingly delicious ham hocks for thighs and I love how you giggle when I munch on you. :)

You crawl with a fever now, scooting around everywhere. You also stand and cruise around, and in the beginning of the month starting letting go of the furniture and crashing down on your bottom and giggling. I giggle when you get back up just to crash back down and laugh. :)

Towards the end of this month, on a few separate occasions, you took a step. And then two. And then you crash into me or daddy, or the floor, and giggle like a maniac. I can SEE how badly you want to walk, and I know it's coming so fast! Soon you will be buzzing around this house and we will be regretting that we ever encouraged you to walk to begin with!

One morning while getting us ready to leave the house, I put you down in the kitchen and not even a minute later heard you whimpering. I made a few passes through the living room and dining room and when I couldn't find you, I stopped in the hallway. I heard you whimper again...and then I saw you... three stairs from the top of the staircase, and turning around to look at me! My heart stopped! You were whimpering because you didn't know how to get down. So, you also learned how to climb the stairs this month! And we also learned to put up a baby gate!

Your taste in food has gotten much better, you basically eat what we eat now. And if we even try to give you something different, you just whine until we give you some of what we are eating. Which is fine with us, because it's one less meal to make. You even eat salmon- I can't believe MY daughter eats salmon! Insane!

You had been doing well with sleeping through the night, but this month have made a mockery of us, taking over an hour to go to sleep and then waking 4-5 times per night. None of us are getting any sleep, and we are all cranky and overtired. By the time this blog posts, we will have already started some "sleep training" from The Sleep Lady, called The Sleep Lady Shuffle. We hope that soon we will all be able to sleep a little easier.

You also had your first sleepover this month with Grandma and Grandpa, leaving us alone in our house for the first time since you were born! It was glorious, and we got to go out to a play, and dinner, and not have to worry about rushing home to you. You had a great time and we are excited to keep this trend going! :)

Your verbal skills have remained the same, and while you haven't learned any new words, you make sounds that sound like our words constantly, leaving us to say "did she just say ___? or did it just SOUND like it??"

Soon, we need to start planning your first birthday party- I can't believe it's almost been a year....WHERE DID THIS YEAR GO??? That statement has a whole new meaning once you have a child.

We have lots of pictures to post in addition to this newsletter. Stay tuned!!

We love you monkey girl!